actors part iv, or "crazy heart."

Well, well, well. Here we are, upon the eve of Oscar weekend and my Taco Extravaganza, and let me tell you, this city is simply buzzing with excitement. I mad the GIANT mistake today of trying to have lunch near Hollywood & Highland, where the roads are blocked off and Cops on Bikes are everywhere. Like I said, excitement!

So I just wanted to give a brief shout out to Mr. Jeff Bridges, who as I've mentioned before, is sure to win the It's Your Turn Oscar, much in the same way Sandra Bullock will win the Honorary Julia Roberts Thanks For Bringing Hollywood Over a Billion Dollars Oscar, unless there is some crazy awesome upset in that category.

Now if I ruled the world, and therefore the Oscars, which I often dream I do, I would give Mr. Bridges the Best Performance in a Lifetime for Women Movie Posing as a Gritty Indie award or perhaps the Best Performance in a Movie that Woefully Miscasts Maggie Gyllenhaal award. Then I could give the Best Male Performance Oscar to my darling Colin Firth and everyone wins.

Don't get me wrong. I love Jeff Bridges. Doesn't everybody? I dare you to find one person in the world who has at some time said "man, I can't stand that Jeff Bridges." He grew up in Hollywood, yet seems pretty chill about it. He's good in everything. He seems to take whatever his agent hands him. You know he shows up to the set on time and is nice to everyone. He keeps quiet and doesn't punch photographers, etc. And he gives a fine performance in what is essentially, a mediocre throwaway of a film.

Now for you Ms. Gyllenhaal. Unfortunately, you seem not to have taken cues from your more seasoned co-star. I did not buy you for one second as the Down on Her Luck Single Mom with a Heart of Gold who Jumps into Bed with a 57-Year-Old Has Been Who's Not at All Shy About Pissing and Puking on Himself.

No. Except for this, I never buy you in anything. I can't seem to get past the Columbia education, the Park Slope mommyhood, the impeccable Hollywood pedigree, the eyes that are always on the verge of rolling and the ever-present "I'm Smarter Than You" smirk. It needles me. All of it. We all saw you coming out of your plastic surgeon's office, and really, who cares? If you're going be up on a 200 foot screen, you want to get those lines filled in. Just 'fess up. Stop talking about how your family always valued books over nose jobs because the two have nothing to do with each other. We never hear that shit from your brother, so zip it.

Try and be more like JB, a guy you know picks up his paycheck at the end of the week, blows most of it at the bar and catches some shit from his wife, who forgets it by morning because he's so good in bed.

I think it's just for for that quality, you will win the award, my friend. And I will cheer. And eat a taco.

And with that, our treatise has come to a close. So, what did learn about actors? You love them, you hate them, but you never, never, never date them.

Good luck everyone! Kisses!